I have a love-hate relationship with feedback. On one hand, I know it’s essential for growth and learning, and I want to improve as a person. On the other hand, I often find myself resistant to it. So, what’s the issue?
For me, feedback comes in two forms: feedback aimed at changing someone, and feedback aimed at improving them. What’s the difference? Feedback that improves is focused on the recipient’s goals and needs. It helps them become better at what they care about. Feedback that changes, however, is focused on the giver’s perspective. It’s about aligning the recipient with the goals or values of the person giving feedback.
To explain why this matters to me, I need to describe how I view any group of people—or for simplicity, a team. I believe a team should be made up of people with diverse skills and values. This way, they can complement one another, covering for each other’s blind spots and weaknesses.
For example, forcing someone who dislikes preparation to prepare won’t lead to quality results. They might go through the motions, but they won’t be motivated to do a good job. Similarly, pushing someone who thrives on preparation to act impulsively won’t yield a strong start. They may start, but without enthusiasm or care.
So, if you have both types of people on a team, why not leverage their strengths? Assign tasks that require preparation to the person who values it, and give tasks that need immediate action to the person who’s eager to start.
How does this relate to feedback? The person who values preparation might give feedback to the one who starts quickly, suggesting they take more time to avoid mistakes. Meanwhile, the quick-starter might criticize the preparer for slowing the team down. This type of feedback is about trying to change the other person to match your own approach, and it can become social pressure that leads to frustration and lower-quality results.
But what if feedback were focused on improving the other person from their own perspective? The preparer could give feedback on what preparation would actually help the quick-starter work more efficiently, instead of pushing them to prepare just for the sake of it. The quick-starter, in turn, could help the preparer streamline their process to avoid unnecessary delays.
Feedback should be about making people better at what they’re already good at, or helping them use their strengths in ways that benefit the team. It shouldn’t be about imposing your own goals or values onto someone else.